starting simplification
I'm lost, I don't know where to go or what to do, my life feels a lot like it's out of my hands. I'm cycling between ideas and plans and hopes and crippling depression at least once an hour. I want to be self-employed, but I have no idea what to do or where to start. I want a stable job but I don't know where I can find one that won't burn me out within a month. I want to learn so many things and try so much and my head is just... full. It's full. I can't fit anymore shit in there, it's a hoarder house up there and anything useful is lost under all the crap.
Meditation works in the immediate moment I'm meditating, mindfulness, all that... I feel myself getting overwhelmed, take a breath, and immediately I lose focus on what I was doing, so my brain tells me about this cool thing it wants to look at, and everything I want to do, need to do, know I have to do: it's gone. Just absolutely gone. I'm not ignoring it, I'm not avoiding, I've forgotten it and feel none of the importance it should have to me. Now, the new thing? Important. My whole life's focus. Until I get another distraction.
I'm just... is this a mental thing? Is this a disorder? I know people with ADHD and shit, is this part of it or something like it???? I feel so stupid.
Anyway, I need to simplify things down. I need to find what triggers my brain (mental clutter, visual clutter, anything that exists existing near it), and try to build a place where I can focus. Write lists to keep myself focused and keep them visible. Routine. All that shit.
God I feel myself just freezing up just thinking about it. But it's for the best to try.
I don't know why I'm writing this here, I guess for some kind of accountability? Maybe I can come back in a month and see if my plans are working or if I really have to ask around for help. Writing here how I wanted to cancel Spotify is working, I'm still Spotify-less and enjoying life and music on my own terms, so. Maybe writing this'll help too.